The best way through the zombie apocalypse is to let the zombies bite us

We can’t let the frenzied undead horde who continue to ravage the city and kill our loved ones dominate our lives, we need to get back to normal! I’m telling you the best way for us to get through this zombie apocalypse is to get back out there and get bitten by zombies.

The zombies bit me and I actually feel better than ever. Sure it’s only been ten minutes since I got bitten, and cynics might say that the initial adrenaline rush of losing my arm combined with the hallucinogenic qualities of a virus that kills and reanimates cells at the same time might have something to do with it, but you can’t be afraid of the zombie virus. It’s no worse than any other seasonal flu that rots you from within then drags your lifeless corpse around like a rag doll.

People continue to push the idea that we can get through this by taking basic safety precautions and avoiding the zombies until we have a vaccine. But a lot of scientists are saying that the best thing we can do is charge head-first into a crowd of zombies and let them tear us limb from limb. Which scientists? A lot of them. A lot of scientists are saying that. I’m just saying, there’s no consensus.

If you value your freedom it’s your duty to get out there and get bitten by zombies so we can get things back on track. You need to march into the Frankie & Benny’s where the zombie king has built his nest as if nothing at all has changed. And if you get ripped to shreds in the process then so be it, at least you’ll have immunity now. We can’t let this doomsday scenario stop us enjoying the most precious things in life like eating loaded potato skins at a below-average chain restaurant.

Might being bitten mean we never see our friends and family again as we too become part of the undead horde? Yes. Could it mean that we see out the remainder of our time as a slowly rotting shell of a person, pointlessly meandering the abandoned wasteland in search of human flesh? Yes. Is there a risk that we don’t even make it that far and we’re one of those humans the zombies absolutely go to town on until there’s nothing left of them but bones and regret? Sure. But if we don’t do this then there might be fewer Starbucks, and we can’t let the cure be worse than the problem. The sooner we all get bitten, the sooner things can get back to normal.