The best way through the zombie apocalypse is to let the zombies bite us

We can’t let the frenzied undead horde who continue to ravage the city and kill our loved ones dominate our lives, we need to get back to normal! I’m telling you the best way for us to get through this zombie apocalypse is to get back out there and get bitten by zombies.

The zombies bit me and I actually feel better than ever. Sure it’s only been ten minutes since I got bitten, and cynics might say that the initial adrenaline rush of losing my arm combined with the hallucinogenic qualities of a virus that kills and reanimates cells at the same time might have something to do with it, but you can’t be afraid of the zombie virus. It’s no worse than any other seasonal flu that rots you from within then drags your lifeless corpse around like a rag doll.

People continue to push the idea that we can get through this by taking basic safety precautions and avoiding the zombies until we have a vaccine. But a lot of scientists are saying that the best thing we can do is charge head-first into a crowd of zombies and let them tear us limb from limb. Which scientists? A lot of them. A lot of scientists are saying that. I’m just saying, there’s no consensus.

If you value your freedom it’s your duty to get out there and get bitten by zombies so we can get things back on track. You need to march into the Frankie & Benny’s where the zombie king has built his nest as if nothing at all has changed. And if you get ripped to shreds in the process then so be it, at least you’ll have immunity now. We can’t let this doomsday scenario stop us enjoying the most precious things in life like eating loaded potato skins at a below-average chain restaurant.

Might being bitten mean we never see our friends and family again as we too become part of the undead horde? Yes. Could it mean that we see out the remainder of our time as a slowly rotting shell of a person, pointlessly meandering the abandoned wasteland in search of human flesh? Yes. Is there a risk that we don’t even make it that far and we’re one of those humans the zombies absolutely go to town on until there’s nothing left of them but bones and regret? Sure. But if we don’t do this then there might be fewer Starbucks, and we can’t let the cure be worse than the problem. The sooner we all get bitten, the sooner things can get back to normal.

The 10 PM Commandments

FOLLOWER: Moses, what news from God do you bring from the mountain?

MOSES: God has given us some directives on how we should live our lives. They are to be known as the ten commandments!

FOLLOWER: The ten commandments! Tell us more!

MOSES: They’re very clear rules that should help us avoid the societal problems we’ve been having. For example, commandment number six, thou shalt not murder!

FOLLOWER: Thou shalt not murder! It makes so much sense, we’ve had so many problems with murder recently!

MOSES: Sorry, I hadn’t finished. It’s ‘Thou shalt not murder after 10 PM’.

FOLLOWER: Wait, what?

MOSES: If we all agree to a hard stop on murder from 10 PM, we’re confident that should eradicate the problem.

FOLLOWER: But what about all the time until 10 PM?

MOSES: Oh, well everything will continue is as is until 10 PM. We didn’t want things to be too restrictive, you know?

FOLLOWER: I just… look, I don’t think the time is the problem here, it’s…

MOSES: Do you question the word of God?

FOLLOWER: I just think we should be listening to our top scientists on this.

MOSES: You’re aware of God’s views on the scientific community. Those guys are just trying to cause trouble.

FOLLOWER: Ok, fine… so the ten commandments, what else do you have?

MOSES: Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife! … After 10 PM.

FOLLOWER: (SIGHS) Ok, again, I have to take issue with this.

MOSES: What now?

FOLLOWER: Look, first of all let me just say that as a wife who spends most of her day being coveted by her neighbours, nobody is more in favour of that part than me. It’s the 10 PM thing I have a problem with.

MOSES: There are a lot of jobs reliant on the coveting wife industry. We’re worried that by restricting it too much we’ll damage our economy.

FOLLOWER: These aren’t going to solve anything! People are just going to get their murdering and wife coveting in before 10 PM instead!

MOSES: Ok, but what if I told you that as well as that, we’ve also introduced a commandment that means that no more than six people can covet the same wife at any one time.

FOLLOWER: That doesn’t help either!

MOSES: Keep your coveting to one metre plus?

FOLLOWER: Oh my God, this is ridiculous!

MOSES: Heathen! You have broken rule number three: Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vai- oh, wait, it’s after 10 so it’s fine.

Government Defends New ‘Riddle Me This’ Coronavirus Messaging

The government has defended its change in coronavirus messaging from ‘Stay At Home’ to ‘Riddle Me This’, after critics described it as being “almost deliberately confusing”.

“At a time when the government should be providing clarity and simple instructions, they seem more concerned with asking us what runs but never walks, has a mouth but never talks, and has a bed but never sleeps,” said the shadow health secretary. “I mean… it guess it could be a greyhound, but they sleep, so I just don’t know. Even if it is a greyhound, I don’t see how this helps.”

The government meanwhile has brushed off the criticism, saying the new messaging reflects the nation moving to a new phase.

“The ’Riddle Me This’ messaging broadens the existing message by giving people the freedom to take wild stabs in the dark at the answers to their questions,” said a government minister. “In leaving it open to interpretation, we trust the public will continue to abide by the rules, but also put their own unique twist on things in what can only be a positive way.”

The public reception to the new messaging has so far been largely negative. “What travels around the world but stays in the corner? Is it me? Are we allowed to travel now?” Asks Michael, 46. “I just need to know if I can have my wedding or not, I don’t understand what’s happening.”

Unveiling their new method for measuring when to ease of the lockdown, the government has also come in for criticism of its new sliding scale.

“So at the moment we’re here on the scale,” said the government minister, pointing to the number 343. “We currently think there are 343 people going to St Ives, but it could be more, it could be less. There are a lot of wives, cats and kittens we need to factor in. Once we’re able to establish how many people are going to St Ives, we may be able to start easing some of the lockdown measures.”

Whilst the government is confident that they’re following the right approach, the public are becoming increasingly frustrated waiting for answers. “I just wish somebody would tell me what walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon and three legs at night. It’s driving me crazy,” sighs Kate, 32. “And does this mean I can send my children back to school?”

Busted’s Year 3000 – Revised Edition

One day, when I came home at lunchtime,

I heard a funny noise,

Went out to the back yard to find out,

If it was one of those rowdy boys,

Stood there, was my neighbour, called Peter,

And he had a high fever,

He told me he built a time machine,

Where he would self-quarantine,

Yeah, yeah

He said, “I’ve been to the year 3000,

Everything has changed and I’m going to show you how things will turn out if you don’t make some basic lifestyle changes,

And your great, great, great granddaughter,

Well, we have bigger concerns.

Really big concerns.”

He took me to the future in the flux thing,

And I saw everything,

Wastelands, and another one, and another one,

And another one,

Very few people, real quiet,

Nobody naked.

We drove around in a time machine,

Like one in a film I’ve seen,

Yeah, yeah.

He said, “I’ve been to the year 3000,

Honestly you need to listen to me carefully, things are about to get really fucked up really quickly,

Dettol will be currency,

What do you mean I need to make this rhyme? No.

And please stop asking about your granddaughter,

I don’t want to talk about her.”

I took a trip to the year 3000,

This song had gone multi-platinum,

Everybody bought our seventh album,

Nobody mentioned Michael Jackson,

I took a trip to the year 3000,

This song had gone multi-platinum,

Everybody bought our seventh album,

(Seventh album, seventh album)

He told me he built a time machine
Like one in a film I’ve seen,
Yeah, yeah

He said “For the love of god, PAY ATTENTION,

We live by different rules now, everything changed in the early 21^st century,

We thought the structures we had were stable and eternal, but oh boy…

If you’re writing this down, note that I’m shaking my head now,

And why? Because none of you stayed inside when you were asked to! Why the hell do you think I brought you here?

Seriously? What did I say about your granddaughter? Never ask about her!

I loved that woman, but… she died a few years ago,

I bet you thought I’d say something whimsical about her, didn’t you?

Well, no. She died in the great hand sanitiser war,

If you’re still writing this down, put down that I just took a large swig of alcohol,

That multi-platinum song you think is so important?

Fuck it, none of it matters,

Write down that I just took another swig of alcohol,

We’re all just meandering along, and then something happens that throws our entire life off course,

I wish I’d died with her,

I’ll tell you one thing though,

She was pretty fine.

Pretty fine.”