Government Defends New ‘Riddle Me This’ Coronavirus Messaging

The government has defended its change in coronavirus messaging from ‘Stay At Home’ to ‘Riddle Me This’, after critics described it as being “almost deliberately confusing”.

 

“At a time when the government should be providing clarity and simple instructions, they seem more concerned with asking us what runs but never walks, has a mouth but never talks, and has a bed but never sleeps,” said the shadow health secretary. “I mean… it guess it could be a greyhound, but they sleep, so I just don’t know. Even if it is a greyhound, I don’t see how this helps.”

 

The government meanwhile has brushed off the criticism, saying the new messaging reflects the nation moving to a new phase.

 

“The ’Riddle Me This’ messaging broadens the existing message by giving people the freedom to take wild stabs in the dark at the answers to their questions,” said a government minister. “In leaving it open to interpretation, we trust the public will continue to abide by the rules, but also put their own unique twist on things in what can only be a positive way.”

 

The public reception to the new messaging has so far been largely negative. “What travels around the world but stays in the corner? Is it me? Are we allowed to travel now?” Asks Michael, 46. “I just need to know if I can have my wedding or not, I don’t understand what’s happening.”

 

Unveiling their new method for measuring when to ease of the lockdown, the government has also come in for criticism of its new sliding scale.

 

“So at the moment we’re here on the scale,” said the government minister, pointing to the number 343. “We currently think there are 343 people going to St Ives, but it could be more, it could be less. There are a lot of wives, cats and kittens we need to factor in. Once we’re able to establish how many people are going to St Ives, we may be able to start easing some of the lockdown measures.”

 

Whilst the government is confident that they’re following the right approach, the public are becoming increasingly frustrated waiting for answers. “I just wish somebody would tell me what walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon and three legs at night. It’s driving me crazy,” sighs Kate, 32. “And does this mean I can send my children back to school?”

Busted’s Year 3000 – Revised Edition

One day, when I came home at lunchtime,

I heard a funny noise,

Went out to the back yard to find out,

If it was one of those rowdy boys,

Stood there, was my neighbour, called Peter,

And he had a high fever,

 

He told me he built a time machine,

Where he would self-quarantine,

Yeah, yeah

 

He said, “I’ve been to the year 3000,

Everything has changed and I’m going to show you how things will turn out if you don’t make some basic lifestyle changes,

And your great, great, great granddaughter,

Well, we have bigger concerns.

Really big concerns.”

 

He took me to the future in the flux thing,

And I saw everything,

Wastelands, and another one, and another one,

And another one,

Very few people, real quiet,

Nobody naked.

We drove around in a time machine,

Like one in a film I’ve seen,

Yeah, yeah.

 

He said, “I’ve been to the year 3000,

Honestly you need to listen to me carefully, things are about to get really fucked up really quickly,

Dettol will be currency,

What do you mean I need to make this rhyme? No.

And please stop asking about your granddaughter,

I don’t want to talk about her.”

 

I took a trip to the year 3000,

This song had gone multi-platinum,

Everybody bought our seventh album,

Nobody mentioned Michael Jackson,

I took a trip to the year 3000,

This song had gone multi-platinum,

Everybody bought our seventh album,

(Seventh album, seventh album)

He told me he built a time machine
Like one in a film I’ve seen,
Yeah, yeah

 

He said “For the love of god, PAY ATTENTION,

We live by different rules now, everything changed in the early 21st century,

We thought the structures we had were stable and eternal, but oh boy…

If you’re writing this down, note that I’m shaking my head now,

And why? Because none of you stayed inside when you were asked to! Why the hell do you think I brought you here?

Seriously? What did I say about your granddaughter? Never ask about her!

I loved that woman, but… she died a few years ago,

I bet you thought I’d say something whimsical about her, didn’t you?

Well, no. She died in the great hand sanitiser war,

If you’re still writing this down, put down that I just took a large swig of alcohol,

That multi-platinum song you think is so important?

Fuck it, none of it matters,

Write down that I just took another swig of alcohol,

We’re all just meandering along, and then something happens that throws our entire life off course,

I wish I’d died with her,

I’ll tell you one thing though,

She was pretty fine.

Pretty fine.”