Things I have learned over the last few days:
1. Talking to strangers can be highly entertaining.
I was sitting in a park near Charing Cross, on the bench that I believe most Londoners know as ‘Andy Ward’s bench’, when I was joined by an American archaeologist called Hannah. She didn’t appear to have a hat, a leather jacket, or a whip, she hadn’t discovered any Aztec treasure, and she’d never even heard of Time Team, so I was sceptical that she was an actual archaeologist, though to be fair, so was she. She was cool though. We discussed burritos and all sorts, and decided to go on an adventure to Croydon, where I was doing a gig.
2. When it comes to stand-up gigs, I should always stick to the plan, especially when I’ve had very little sleep.
I was tired, I half forgot what I was talking about, and my self-doubt made me make a judgment that they would not be interested in my usual rambly pseudo-intellectual rubbish anyway. I’ll never know whether that was the case, as I didn’t do most of my actual set in the end. I basically just used it as a learning experience to mess about. I was pretty awful to be honest, I really was. In future, I should probably also remember that if I do invite somebody to one of my gigs, I should at least try to be half-decent. Anyway, it’s all in the past, and I’ve certainly learned from it, so it has had some use. I’ll be better next time.
3. It is impossible to explain my ghost stories without coming across as completely demented.
Hannah noticed that I had notepads. I explained that I write stories occasionally. She asked what kind of stories. I said all sorts, like ghost stories. She asked what kind of ghost story. I said “Well, there’s one about a possessed dishcloth (tea towel) who kills everybody.” I can’t remember the last time I saw somebody look so completely baffled. She warily asked how it killed everybody. I did not want to explain that it soldered them to a tree with a colander and ingested their souls. That would have made me seem completely mental, so I mumbled something like “oh, you know, it just does…” I haven’t actually released this ghost story yet. Soon I will. It does borderline make sense in context you know.
Oh what am I saying, they’re all nonsense. Still, at least I didn’t try to explain the spaniel one, that would have been even more insane.
4. Lipton Peach Iced Tea is pretty good.
They were giving out free iced tea at the station. I got two bottles. It was very good.
5. Getting asked to leave a restaurant because you’re drunk is kind of funny.
Basically, as it was Hannah’s last day travelling across Europe before she went back to America, I took it upon myself to be the bar guide of the capital. A kind of alcoholic Ambassador. We went to a variety of cool bars, and after a few drinks we got hungry and strolled into Chinatown to find food. We ended up sat in a restaurant, and were about to order food when a man angrily came up, took away our menus and told us to leave because he didn’t like the way we were “throwing our menus about” and he said we’d had too much to drink. Personally, I think he’d had too much to drink, because neither of us had actually done anything with our menus. Well, at one point I may have accidentally slapped myself in the face with my menu, but I’d like to think that he’d have appreciated the slapstick idiocy of this moment rather than got angry and said “This is too much accidental slapstick for my liking! Get them out of here!” Anyway, the last laugh was on us because on my way out I was crushed by an ACME anvil, after which I got up, slipped on a banana skin and fell into a tub of custard. Slapstick 1, Restaurant Man 0.
6. They don’t have Nando’s restaurants in America.
I was horrified.
Anyway, I really enjoyed the spontaneous adventure of the last few days, it was a lot of fun. I seem to be doing this more regularly now. I went on a spontaneous adventure with a friend the other week too. They’re great, I’d highly recommend them. I’m still thinking about turning up to an airport one day and just getting on any flight they have available to anywhere. That could be quite fun, though what with my current financial situation I’d probably end up being trapped there forever, or have to build my own raft and sail across the ocean to get back home. Again though, that could be hilarious in a ‘Tom Hanks and Wilson the volleyball’ kind of way, and it would certainly make for a stream of interesting blog posts. Maybe this will become reality.
Oh, I have also had a new sitcom idea which I’m actually quite excited about. I’m hoping it’ll be quite unique. I’ll have a draft sorted by the end of the month hopefully. Also, I may release an audiobook soon, and put the new ghost stories online. Maybe some new stories too. I wrote an idea down in my draft text messages folder last night when I was still slightly drunk. At the time I obviously considered it an idea of such remarkable genius that the world would bow down to my remarkable writing prowess. As I sit here sobered up, I realise that that is probably not the case. We’ll see eventually though, I’m definitely going to write it at some point, if just for the challenge. Something delightful to look forward to, I’m sure.
One day I may even write more Cat City. And if that’s not exciting then I don’t know what is. Literary critics have been falling over themselves raving about the first short extract. Why only the other day the Guardian described it as ‘quite literally words’, while the New York Times went with ‘this is… not… the worst thing I’ve ever read’*. Thanks everybody! See you at the Booker Prize!
*Quote may have been edited.
