Starburst and Shanghai.

Things I have done since my last blog:

- Given up on attempting to write 30 stories in 30 days. It was not as fun as I imagined it might be, and it was leaving me little time to do anything else really. I may just write and release stories when I find the time, rather than setting myself some kind of absurd, almost masochistic challenge that was always going to be kind of tricky.

- Eaten a garibaldi biscuit. That was yesterday. It wasn’t brilliant.

- Had a job interview. I am now fairly certain that I have now been invited back for a second interview, though to be fair, prior to the interview I ate an entire pack of Starburst, then strolled in, talked about how much I’d enjoyed the Olympics this summer (they took place two years ago), and used a moment of silence to excitedly blurt out ‘The Apprentice is on tonight!’. Professional as ever. I would still like to find a home at a company, though at this rate I’m starting to think that perhaps it would be easier to just start my own business. I’m not 100% sure what the process to do this is, but I’m fairly sure it involves stealing a priceless jewel from a heavily guarded museum. Of course, if I could do that, I probably wouldn’t need to flog socks from a shopping trolley in the rain. Maybe I’ll just stick with the jewel idea.

- Thought about going to Tokyo. Or Shanghai. I’m not sure which one I’d rather go to. Not just for a few days. For a few weeks, maybe even a few months. Possibly to try and learn a bit of the language. Apparently they’re pretty much the two hardest languages to learn though, Japanese and Mandarin, requiring around 2200 hours of class tuition to master. This seems kind of intimidating, but nothing is impossible. Apart from me having money it would seem, which makes this purely fantasy, as travelling to learn these languages on an intensive course in either Shanghai or Tokyo requires thousands of pounds. Which I do not have. Until I steal the jewel/sell lots of socks in the rain. They both look like interesting cities though, so I’ll hopefully go in some capacity at some point. Probably just on a holiday for a few days one day. Anyway, this is something I have been considering. I have also, on a slightly lesser note…

- Thought about buying some crumpets. I stared at some crumpets for a bit today. I thought about buying them. They were 89p. I had 67p. I cursed my having not brought my debit card, and swore that one day, I would enjoy some crumpets, sat at an oak table in a meadow, as bees swarmed about me complimenting my frugal butter usage and choice of scarf. That could be how it pans out. Alternatively, I could end up just abandoned in a meadow in the middle of nowhere, fighting off angry bees as I tried in vain to tuck into some overly dry crumpets. That sounds more realistic.

- Considered buying more Studio Ghibli films. ‘My Neighbour Totoro’ apparently has a cat that doubles as a bus. He is called Catbus. How could anybody fail to be entertained by that?

- I watched the X Factor. I wanted to see what all the fuss was about, and see whether it was actually any good. It was not. Indeed, I was surprised by just how poor it was. I didn’t really enjoy it, and for some reason, it seemed like each contestant had been told to dress as a different member of the Jetsons. Maybe it gets better, I don’t know. I’ll probably just stick to watching The Apprentice.

That’s probably about it actually. I should probably do more stuff. Looking at crumpets doesn’t really count as an activity in most people’s book. Today I may do some writing, then tomorrow I have a gig. That’s something I guess.

A hat for your gardener.

That’s right, following on from the critical success (read: panning) of ‘A hat for my gardener’, I’ve already started work on the sequel. I call it ‘A hat for YOUR gardener’. See what I did there? I’m such a visionary. Anyway, this one is set in the future, so is a bit of a departure, but should be good. I’m hoping that eventually people will have sort of ‘his and hers’ towels and bathrobes and stuff, but embroidered with ‘A hat for my/your gardener’ instead. Perhaps with a giant picture of a flat cap on the back and maybe a holographic trowel. I can see this being a real money-spinner. Anyway, a hat for your gardener.

SCENE 1 – A HAT FOR WHO? MY GARDENER? NO, YOUR GARDENER.

EXT. A STREET. NIGHT.

It is dark. It is the future now too, a far cry from the setting of the original ‘A hat for my gardener’, which had a sort of ‘Goodnight Mr Tom’ vibe to it. This is infinitely more futuristic, and the background scenery conveys this. There are quill pens made of tinfoil, a pocket watch that says ‘[ENTER YEAR LATER]‘ and a newspaper made of iron. An urchin enters.

ROBOT URCHIN: Hello guv’nor. Can you spare a penny?

SORT OF CYBORGY MAN: No! begone with you you foul rascals! I need these pennies for my indigestion tablets!

ROBOT URCHIN: Please Sir, I need it for a hat.

SORT OF CYBORGY MAN: A hat you say? A hat for who?

[Cue piano]

ROBOT URCHIN: I NEED IT FOR A HAT FOR YOUR GARDENER! HOW WILL HE BRAVE THE COLD WITHOUT PARTNER! A PARTNER MADE OF CLOTH I SAY! A PARTNER, NOT A MOTH! I NEED A HAT FOR YOUR GARDENNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!

SORT OF CYBORGY MAN: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

END SCENE. CLOSE CURTAINS IN FUTURISTIC MANNER, THUS KEEPING THE AUDIENCE IMMERSED IN THE PIECE. PERHAPS CLOSE THEM SLOWLY WHILE PLAYING TAINTED LOVE. THAT WORKS.

SCENE 2 – HAT FOR YOUR GARDENER, HAT FOR YOUR GARDENER, WHEREFORE ART THOU HAT FOR YOUR GARDENER?

EXT. A GARDEN. DAY.

The gardener is tending to some flowers with some futuristic gardening implements. A teleporting shovel and a time travelling rake for instance. The urchin enters.

ROBOT URCHIN: Gardener, I’ve got some bad news… I’ve not been able to get you your hat…

GARDENER: Robort? (See what I did there? IT’S THE FUTURE PEOPLE, KEEP UP) Robort? Is that you? Come closer so I can see you without my spacetacles. (SPACE SPECTACLES. OH COME ON PEOPLE.)

ROBOT URCHIN: It is me Gardener. The manor owner wouldn’t spare a penny for your hat fund.

GARDENER: It’s ok Robort, it’s ok. I don’t need a hat really…

GARDENER coughs violently

ROBOT URCHIN: But without a hat then your circuits are exposed to the elements, you’ll die out here Gardener! You’ll di- hold on a second, where’s your rake gone?

GARDENER: To the 17th century I believe. You know how rakes can time travel these days. It is the future after all. The future.

ROBOT URCHIN: Yes.

GARDENER: Now I’d better be getting on, I’ve got to plant these moon bulbs so that we can grow a new moon in time for halloween. But don’t you worry Robort, I’m going to be just fine.

GARDENER coughs violently again

END SCENE.

Again, we’ll have to skip a few scenes, as they’re yet to be written, but thankfully the end is, as always, completely intact.

SCENE 513 – THE GARDENER IS NOT FINE.

INT. A HOSPITAL. DAY.

The GARDENER is lying in the bed. He is barely conscious. He appears to be strapped to some kind of hospital machine. We’ll use an iPod for this to imply that technology has really advanced. Which it will have. It’s the future.

ROBOT URCHIN: Gardener! What’s happened!

GARDENER: I’m fine Robort, I’m fine… It’s just… the rain… it short-circuited the fuse for my lungs…

ROBOT URCHIN: Oh gardener! If only you’d had a hat! If only we could have got you a hat!

GARDENER: It wouldn’t have helped Robort… It wouldn’t have helped…

ROBOT URCHIN: But it would! We could have saved your life!

GARDENER: It wouldn’t have helped Robort…

ROBOT URCHIN: It could have!

GARDENER: Robort. It wouldn’t have.

ROBOT URCHIN: You don’t know tha-

GARDENER: I’ve got robot syphilis.

ROBOT URCHIN: Oh… well that kind of came out of the blue.

GARDENER: Well you pushed me into it. I didn’t want to say anything, but you wouldn’t be quiet. This really had nothing to do with the hat.

ROBOT URCHIN: Aren’t we meant to finish on a big musical number about hats?

GARDENER: Oh right, yeah, sorry. Hold on, I’ll just sit down here and die.

ROBOT URCHIN: Oh thanks! Just die and leave it all to me!

GARDENER: Goodbye Robort. Goodbye forever…

[Cue piano]

ROBOT URCHIN: A HAT FOR YOUR… GARDENEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRR.

[Cue chorus of boo/queue for refunds. Close curtains to the theme tune from Robocop]

THE END.

Now I just need to secure the financial backing and we’re go. So, who wants to spend $7 million wisely?