I was raised by wolves. Well, I say wolves. I mean Wolf from Gladiators and his wife, Mrs Wolf From Gladiators. I didn’t go to primary school, we just spent all our time at home learning to ‘Hang Tough’. Occasionally I’d go out into the garden to just collect some apples, but unfortunately I ended up being pelted with tennis balls from a high-velocity cannon by Wolf. He was a harsh tutor, but I learned a lot from him. Nothing of any use outside of the Birmingham NEC, but still.

Having completed my almost Spartan training, I was finally allowed to venture into the education system, where I prospered, achieving a number of great things. I say great things, I got some GCSEs, A-Levels, and a degree. I mean, that’s fine and all, but it’s not exactly running up a travelator and swinging through a thin sheet of paper is it?

During my degree however, I discovered a thing called the radio. The radio was fun. They would let me do whatever I liked on the radio. “Do what you like on the radio” was their catchphrase. In many respects, it was like the show ‘Catchphrase’, except Mr Chips was continually being asked to perform the phrase ‘Do what you like on the radio’ in various different ways, until declining viewing figures meant that the show was eventually cancelled. Anyway, me and my good friend, Mr Will Klug, together formed a show called Llamageddon, and what a hit it was. Over the years we were compared to various different artists, ‘Jazz Bernard’, ‘The Salmon Fishcakes’, ‘Jimmy von Heartattack’ and ‘Donald and the Bees’. All people who nobody has ever heard of. Truth be told, we were trail-blazers. Trail-blazers in much the same way as somebody who starts a forest fire can be called a trail-blazer, but a trail-blazer nonetheless. We’d blazed a trail. Said trail was noticed by the local community when we found ourselves nominated for a Student Radio Award for an interview we had conducted with everybody’s favourite band beginning with The and ending in Hoosiers, The Hoosiers. Oh the times we had. The things we saw. The vimto we spilled on their trousers. A good time was had by all.

Having eventually finished university, Llamageddon no longer had a home, however, we are continuing the show through a series of podcasts, links to which can be found through this blog. Finishing university was meant to be a happy time, but having ventured into the real world, I found it to be a much harsher place than I had originally hoped. I was expected to get a job, and have a life. “Why this shall be a piece of cake!” I thought. And it was. Unfortunately it was a cake made of gravel and finished with a concrete icing. Things were good at first, I had a series commissioned by Channel 4 for broadcast on their radio station, E4 Radio, however, the economic climate, combined with my extortionate 15-figure wage demands meant that Channel 4′s radio plans had to be abandoned shortly afterwards. I was left cold and lonely. I swore that I would not let this get me down, and within weeks I would be back on my horse, more successful than ever!

That was over a year ago. I’m not even sure where my horse is anymore, I think he must have stumbled into a ravine, or tripped and fallen into a blast furnace, something like that. Either way, he’s let me down. Now I spend my days writing scripts and performing stand-up comedy in the hope that I shall coax my horse back from the underworld with my delightfully rhythmic couplets (and when I say delightfully rhythmic couplets, I mean complete rubbish). It’s the dream. One day me and my horse shall be reunited. Oh yes. We shall.