It has been a while since I last blogged. Things I have done since my last blog:

I got a year older.

I am now two hundred and twelve years old. I am sort of like Bill from True Blood, but paler, and with more interest in noodle restaurants.

I saw a pigeon skim off a woman’s head.

This was the other day. The pigeon sort of thought it was landing, but then realised there was no room, so tried to take off again. It used a woman’s head as a sort of trampoline. It was very entertaining, especially as the woman tried to ignore the fact that a pigeon had just bounced off her head. Perhaps it is an everyday occurrence to her.

I got a job.

…

I went to Amsterdam.

I went with my beautiful girlfriend Tasha, who I have not actually mentioned in this blog yet. She is lovely. She brings me glasses of water, buys me films in which cats double as buses, and is just generally excellent. My favourite fact about her though is that when she plays Grand Theft Auto, she likes to pick up prostitutes and just take them out for a lovely day at the mall. This is part of why I was assuming Amsterdam would be so much fun. We’d just spend our entire time sitting around sipping milkshakes and going on bumper cars with prostitutes. Not that that’s my favourite use of my time of course, but, you know, it would be an experience. Not quite the kind of experience that people usually hire prostitutes for, but a less seedy and more innocent, fun experience. The kind of experience that the Happy Days gang might have with a prostitute I guess. It would be that or the Fonz waterskiing over a prostitute. That’s when you know the show has really gone wrong.

Anyway, I appear to have digressed: we went to Amsterdam. It rained lots and we ate pancakes. We also saw a horse who looked quite depressed in the rain. It was sad. He had a 1980s style blonde mullet too. Maybe if a handsome prince came along and kissed his nose he would turn into Pat Sharp. We didn’t have time to wait and see. We also discovered a thing called The House of Bols. It is fair to say that this museum dedicated to drinking was pretty much the best museum either of us has ever been to. I am now thinking about opening my own lucrative alcohol-based educational experience. I call it the ‘Shed of Schnapps’. Everybody comes into my shed. I pour them all some peach schnapps, then we stare at a toolbox, which gets progressively more entertaining the more drunk we get. I see no way this can possibly go wrong.

I sent a script off to the BBC.

It was for a competition. It didn’t win, because it was a bit rubbish and may have been a bit too long, but it was the first time I have actually sent a TV script out, so it felt nice in some way. I hope to send out many more in time.

I probably did some other stuff.

I have forgotten now. I do not have much of a memory.

Anyway, I hope to try and get back to blogging more often now, as it was a way to keep my mind a bit active. I bet that having said that, I’ll now go another 4 months without publishing anything. I will try though. And it will be incredible*.

*Read: Average**.

**At best.