A short extract taken from my forthcoming sitcom ‘A cupboard of cornettos’. In this scene, we meet the three main characters, Steve, a man who owns an ice cream shop, his flatmate, Peter, a car salesman, and his girlfriend who lives with them, Patricia. Let’s join the action.
Peter: Steve! What’s this?
Steve: What’s what?
Peter: This cupboard, the hinges seem to be creaking!
Steve: Oh, that’s nothing. Just leave it.
Peter: Steve…
Steve: Leave it Peter!
[Peter opens the cupboard]
Peter: Steeeeeeeevvvveeeee! It’s a cupboard full of cornettos!
Steve: Whu-oh!
Peter: And they’re all melted!
Steve: Whu-oh^2!
Peter: Steve! Why do you keep storing your cornettos in the cupboard! You know what it does!
Steve: I don’t know Peter! I just like my cornettos from the cupboard!
[CUE THEME TUNE]
CORNETTOS IN THE CUPBOARD. CORNETTOS IN THE CUPBOARD. CORNETTOS IN THE CUPBOOOOOAAAARRRDDD.
Patricia: I haven’t said anything yet.
Peter: Shut up Patricia! Now’s not the time!
Steve: Have you ever noticed how you’re dating a woman with a name very similiar to your own? It’s almost as if somebody came up with these names on the spot and couldn’t think of a female name that was wildly dissimilar.
Peter: Shut up Peter! And get vacuuming the carpet! There’s cornetto all over the place! You and your fucking cupboard of cornettos!
Steve: But where else am I going to store them?
Peter: IN THE FRIDGE PETER! IN THE FRIDGE LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE DOES!
Steve: But how would that let hilarity ensue?
Peter: YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY PETER? YOU THINK THAT VACUUMING THE CARPET FOR 22 MINUTES IN SILENCE IS FUNNY? IT’S ARTHOUSE AT BEST PETER. AT BEST!
Steve: Hey! It’s not like I’m the only person who does stuff like this?
Peter: What do you mean?
Steve: Patricia?
Patricia: What? What are you looking at me for? I’ve not done anything.
Steve: Is that so? Well I dare say the lock on that loft seems to be bulging slightly!
Patricia: Well that’s just… you know, faulty… locks… we’ll call a man in the morning…
[Steve opens the loft]
Peter: PATRICIA! WHAT THE HELL?
Steve: I told you! She keeps her lilos in the loft Peter! Lilos in the loft! (It’s ripe for a spin-off)
CUE THEME TUNE.
LILOS IN THE LOFT. LILOS IN THE LOFT. LILOS IN THE LOFFFFTTTTTTT.
Peter: WHY DO YOU EVEN NEED THIS MANY LILOS? AND WHY DO YOU KEEP THEM ALL INFLATED?! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO?!
Patricia: You hypocrite Peter! You stand here and chastise us? You think we haven’t seen the airing cupboard?
Peter: I don’t know what you’re talking about…
Steve: Oh really? Well let’s take a look shall we?
Peter: I don’t think that’s wi-
[Patricia opens the airing cupboard]
Steve: PETER! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
Peter: It’s an airing cupboard full of airmiles! An airing cupboard full of airmiles!
CUE THEME TUNE.
IT’S AN AIRING CUPBOARD FULL OF AIRMILES.
Patricia: How the hell do you store a relatively abstract concept in an airing cupboard anyway?
Peter: Shut up Patricia! Or Steve will hoover your face off!
Steve: Will I?
Peter: You’d better Steve, or I’ll cut you with my airmiles!
Patricia: This isn’t quite Friends is it?
Peter: SHUT UP PATRICIA! STEVE! GET THE HOOVER!
Steve: I can’t! I’ve severed my arm on your airmiles!
Patricia: Help me! I’m drowning in cornetto juice!
Steve: I don’t think he can! He’s been smothered by a lilo!
Patricia: Pull me out Steve!
Steve: My other arm! It hurts Patricia! It hurts! Patricia? Patricia? PATRICCCCIIIAAAAAAAAA!
I mean, it’s very much a work in progress, but I think we’ll get there.
