I’m fairly sure I’ve actually had a blog post called ‘A day of nothing’ before. Indeed, I wouldn’t be surprised if, looking back through all the blog posts, around 60% of them were titled ‘a day of nothing’. That’s the life I lead. It’s always white-knuckle stuff.
Anyway, as the title suggests, I’ve not really done anything at all today. I’m starting to think that it’s not facebook that’s getting in the way necessarily, it’s just that I have a spectacular ability to waste time on all sorts of things. Today I just lay down and stared into space for a while. That was kind of cool. Didn’t really achieve much though. I was actually meant to be going out tonight, which was quite exciting, as I don’t really go out at all these days. I can’t remember the last night out I had. This is partly because I’m obscenely poor, but also because I don’t really know many people around where I live, having moved here after I’d finished sixth form, then gone off to university. I know some people now though, and we were going to go out into town to drink and do the usual things that I assume people still do on nights out, discuss monocles, sit by a roaring fire and take turns telling scary stories to all those gathered, drink sherry, maybe talk about the repeal of the Corn Laws, all that kind of stuff. That’s what people were doing when last I went out, I can’t imagine things have changed much since then.
Anyway, suffice to say, we’ve had to cancel going out this week, so what I’m going to do instead is sit down, watch Heroes, drink port, and maybe try and explain Sylar’s backstory to the dog again. It’ll be fun.
Also, further to my mind-numbingly dull microphone conversation with myself yesterday, I’ve discovered that my microphone may actually work better than I thought it did, as I may have been speaking into the wrong bit. I think if I turn it round and speak into the other side, the sound quality may be a bit better. I mean, I haven’t actually tested it yet, but this is what I’m hoping, otherwise I’ll just be stuck sounding like an overly polite dalek. Maybe I can use this to my advantage. Make recordings of myself and sneak up on elderly technophobes.
“HEY YOU!”
“What was that voice? Who are you?”
“This is the voice of the internet! Bake me a cake!”
“But my limbs are made of sawdust and breadcrumbs aggravate my gout!”
“Quiet! Or I’ll chip and pin your face! When you’re finished baking my cake I want you to knit me a jumper!”
“A jumper? Why would the internet need a jumper?”
“Sometimes the internet gets cold.”
“Are you sure you’re the internet, this doesn’t sound very convin-”
“DON’T TURN AROUND! FACE THE FRONT!”
“Sorry…”
“I want a Blade Runner jumper. Something futuristic. The internet appreciates futuristic threads, so you’d better be knitting with space cotton!”
“But I don’t have any space cotton! I don’t even know what it is! I’ve only got this ball of wool!”
“Then you’ll have to go to space! I’ll prepare the shuttle!”
“But I don’t wan-”
“FACE THE FRONT! I’M PUTTING YOU IN THE SHUTTLE NOW!”
“But the shuttle aggravates my gout!”
“LEAVE THE SHUTTLE ALONE! IT’S THE SHUTTLE OR THE PIT OF BREADCRUMBS! ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, YOU’RE GETTING GOUTERISED! NOW LET’S GO! THREE! TWO! ONE! BLASTOFF!”
[Explosion]
“Argh! Fire aggravates my gout!”
“You’re fired! Get it? You’re fired! As in The Apprentice? You see? That’s what he says! He says you’re fired! Funny no?”
“Stop it! Catchphrases aggravate my gout!”
“How old actually are you?”
“I’m 900 years old.”
“You should really be dead.”
“Death aggravates my gout.”
“None of this seems very plausible.”
“Not like space cotton?”
“You’re right, let’s end here.”
It’s not good that my first thought is about how I can use my microphone for evil, and bullying helpless old people into knitting me a limitless supply of jumpers. In my defence, I get quite cold sometimes, and, well… this isn’t really going to happen. I would however, absolutely love a knitted Blade Runner jumper, so if anybody is reading this and fancies knitting me one, as Captain Picard might say ‘Make it so’. And he’s got stacks of Blade Runner jumpers, the greedy rascal.
Anyway, it’s nearly time for Heroes and port, so I’m going to go now.
