I thought that what with it being the last day of the year, I should post up a summary of exactly how the year has gone. It’s probably fair to say it’s not been the best year I’ve ever had. At the beginning of the year I made some resolutions, well, not resolutions as such, but I wrote myself a list of things that I wanted to achieve this year. There were about 8 things on that list, and I’ve not achieved one of them. I don’t know where it all fell apart, but somewhere along the line it did. Hence, it has not been brilliant.

Back in January, I was still on the dole after about 6 months of joblessness, which was broken up by a week where I worked in a bottle factory screwing the lids on bottles. Oh, the times we had. The japery we got up to. “Hey! Screw those lids on those bottles!” “Ok.” Ah, banter. This was made more disappointing by the fact that the end of 2008 had been so promising. I’d had a series commissioned by Channel 4, I’d won an award and been nominated for another. It kind of felt like things might be ok. They were not. Obviously, the series commission fell through because of a lack of money, but as well as that, I don’t think I capitalised on what I’d achieved enough. I kind of sat back and hoped that somebody might notice me. This was a mistake, since nobody did. Also in January, I actually did professionally produce the ghost stories I’d written with Demus Productions in Glasgow. This was hugely important, since whilst their production was spot on, I managed to mess up what had been good through changing what worked, based on feedback I’d received from some judges at the Student Radio Awards. This made me realise what a thin line there was between something that works, and something that doesn’t, and it’s something that since then has almost driven me to obsession. If you were to read back through my blog posts throughout the year, you’d see just how much I’ve talked about a sitcom I’m writing, and how it was ‘nearly finished’. It’s been in this state of ‘nearly finished’ since about April or May, simply because I’ve become obsessed with every aspect of it being perfect. Not perfect in the sense of ‘oh, this is the best thing I’ve ever read’, because I’ll be honest, it’s not The Sopranos or anything. It is, however, what I want it to be, and this may be all I want. I’d sooner have something brilliant that never makes it to TV than compromise and produce something I wasn’t happy with simply for the sake of having my own show. It actually is finished now though, or at least, the first episode. Over the next year I’d like to do something with it, hawk it about to some companies and see if they’re interested. I don’t know what’ll happen, but at least it’ll be something to keep me occupied in 2010.

I had some job interviews this year too. I’d do a roll call of companies who have turned me down, but you’d just be scrolling down the page for days if anybody does read this. It would have been nice to have one of those jobs, if just for the improved quality of life, but in all honesty, I’m not sure that’s what I want to do. I’ve never really known what I want to do as such, all through my life I’ve thought “Well, I’ll work it out soon.” When I went to university, I thought that by the time I came out I’d have worked out what I wanted to do with my life, and I still hadn’t. Thankfully, because of the economic crisis, this wasn’t a problem, as there weren’t any jobs anyway, so I still had time to think.

Have I mentioned that I ate two pieces of fish today by the way? I did. That’s not what I wanted to do as a career, but it’s an interesting aside. After one piece of fish I started to think ‘can I really get through the second, and all these chips?’ And I did. If only I’d written this on my list of things to achieve at the beginning of the year then I could have at least ticked one thing off. I’ll put it on my list of things to do in 2010, then I can consider myself to be a success next December. It would count as cheating if I were to add ‘eat a Kinder Bueno’ to my list of things to achieve in 2009 now wouldn’t it? I’m going to do it anyway. I smashed it yesterday. A genuine sense of dread spread across my body as I realised I’d crushed the Kinder Bueno in my bag with a bottle of water. These are the issues that really hit me hard. Crumbly Bueno. I’m practically Jeremy Paxman with my no nonsense grasp of the world’s real issues.

Anyway, I digress. I think I may now have worked out what I want to do with my life. There are certain things I truly love, and comedy is one of them. It really does make me happy (that’s kind of the point of comedy though I suppose). I’d like to commit more effort to pursuing this in 2010. I get the feeling that if I don’t give it a real go, then I’ll just look back on this with regret when I’m older, and I’ve already got more than enough regrets to last a lifetime. I’ve had a lovely time doing stand-up fairly casually this year, and even though I’ve had some catastrophic gigs, I do think I’m improving quite well now. I think one of my highlights from this year was the stand-up course I did, which really did help me realise where I was going wrong and helped me develop. I’m starting an advanced version of the course in about a week or so, and I’m quite excited. I’m not sure where I’d like to be in a year’s time in regard to stand-up, as there’s no marked-out path as such. I’d love to be on a bill with a professional comic or two though. That would be brilliant. I’d like to make that happen. Maybe it will.

I realise that things might not be good at the moment, working part-time at One Stop was never exactly my dream, but I genuinely believe that it’s still possible to turn this round next year. I’ve been ridiculously lazy this year, and I’d like to think that next year I’ll work harder (despite saying this at the beginning of every year, a resolution that typically lasts for a good 3 weeks before I get annoyed and sit about watching repeats of Friends and eating marmalade cake. Though I have also got into Countdown a bit this year, because it’s brilliant. I also resolve to get at least a 7 letter word at some point). If at the end of 2010 I’m still in this same position, I’d like to at least know what it wasn’t through lack of trying, which is what really annoys me about 2009. Good riddance to you 2009! You rogue!

So, in conclusion, my resolutions.

1. Eat two bits of fish again. Maybe video tape it?
2. Eat a Kinder Bueno.
3. Get at least a seven letter word on Countdown.
4. Discover a secret cavern full of treasure.
5. Sell some treasure.
6. Buy lots of Kinder Buenos.
7. Dole out Kinder Buenos whilst shouting “They Kinder Buenos are on me!”
8. Deal with lawsuit from the Milky Bar Kid.
9. Counter-suit the Milky Bar Kid.
10. Taunt the Milky Bar Kid.
11. Visit the Milky Bar Kid in jail. Bake a cake for him with a file in.
12. Wait until Milky Bar Kid escapes from jail.
13. Hunt the Milky Bar Kid for sport.
14. Capture the Milky Bar Kid.
15. Place the Milky Bar Kid in Alcatraz.
16. Wait for Milky Bar Kid to take over Alcatraz, despite it being abandoned.
17. Dress as Sean Connery and break into Alcatraz to try and take him down.
18. Deal with lawsuit from Sean Connery.
19. Try some eggnog?
20. Counter-suit Sean Connery for all the eggnog he’s got.
21. Buy a garage for all your eggnog.
22. Field questions from the press on ‘why does your garage smell of eggnog?’
23. Stop listening to ‘A View To A Kill’.
24. Reverse the polarity of something. Maybe a lute.
25. Connect 5.

I think that’s about enough resolutions for one year. Looking back, this hasn’t been so much a summary of 2009 as it has been a rant about the things I’ve ranted about all year. Suffice to say, this is why I won’t be appearing on Jools Holland’s annual Hootenannay this year. “Yeah Jools, and do you know what else I hated about 2009? Screwing on bottle lids! Yeah, you heard me! Anyway, let me tell you about my sitcom…”

[2 hours pass]

“… and if I could be a bit better at stand-up, that would be cool too I suppose.”

“We’ve missed the clock hitting midnight thanks to you you stupid bastard!”

“Oh shut up Jools! It’s not even New Year’s Eve! IT’S NOT EVEN NEW YEAR’S EVE YOU FRAUD! IT’S OCTOBER NOW! IT’S PRE-RECORDED!”

“I’ll give you pre-recorded!”

“Bring it on you jazz hobbit!”

[Cue brutal bloody battle]

I’d watch it if it were like this. Anyway, happy new year to everybody. I hope you all have a good year.