We fell into the onion for what seemed like days. It wasn’t actually days though, this was an exaggeration, it was probably only for about 20 seconds, but in falling into onion terms, that’s days. Traditionally, falling into an onion just involves slapping your face against it on a chopping board, and that only takes a fraction of a second. Anyway, yes, it felt like days before we crashed to the earth. “Where the hell are we?” Said Alan, as he picked himself up and dusted himself down.
“I think I’ve swallowed a stamp!” Coughed Carl as he got to his feet and began to retch.
“Don’t worry Carl!” I said “That just means we can post your lungs!” This made absolutely no sense, but that had never stopped me before. I left a ten minute pause for laughter, which, unfortunately, was not forthcoming, and we were forced to continue the conversation. We very quickly realised that something was missing however.
“Where’s Donald?” Said Hank. It was a good question, and not one that we had the answer to. I’d pushed Donald in by the face, and had followed him shortly afterwards. The rest of us had all ended up in the same place, whatever had happened to Donald?
“DONALD! DONALD ARE YOU HERE?” We all began to shout. “CARL SWALLOWED A STAMP! I SAID WE SHOULD POST HIS LUNGS!” I added, hoping that the laughter that such a funny quip would produce would surely enable us to identify his position. Alas, it was just as funny the second time, and another 10 minute pause for laughter passed silently. Donald had seemingly completely vanished. Maybe he had made his way out of the onion and was back in the bar. Maybe he was lost within the onion and trying to get out, we just didn’t know. We were going to have to explore the land more if we hoped to find him again. It was a strange kind of place, the like of which we’d never really seen before. We appeared to be stood on what looked like a road made of sweetcorn. It looked a lot like the yellow brick road from that other story about the Wizard. The Wizard of Oz, that’s it. But it was made of sweetcorn. We knew this because Dr Hank ate a bit and said “Mmm… that’s some sweet corn.” He was a scientific mastermind, he really was.
“Hank! Don’t eat the road!” Screamed Jonty.
“Why not? I’m hungry, it’s sweetcorn. It just makes sense.” Said Hank, as he picked up another bite and began to devour it.
“Hank! Stop it! Look what you’ve done!” Said Jonty, as he pointed to a gaping hole in the road that used to be sweetcorn.
“Oh who’ll ever know anyway? This place is deserted.” Said Hank. Then we were interrupted by a booming voice.
“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY ROAD!” Said the voice. We all turned to be confronted by what can only be described as a green giant.
“How the hell did nobody notice him before?” Said Alan, slightly confused.
“YOU’VE EATEN MY ROAD. DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I SPENT GROWING THIS ROAD?” Shouted the green giant, angrily, as he smashed his fist down, causing the whole floor to shake. He did seem somewhat disappointed, it was hard to know how he was going to react now. Perhaps he would kill us. Perhaps he would not. Perhaps he would spin a roulette wheel and decide whether he would kill us or not. Perhaps he would not spin a roulette wheel and not decide whether he would kill us or not. Perhaps he would let us pick a card out of a pack of cards and if it were the Ace of Spades he would kill us. Perhaps he would not let us pick a ca-
“Andy, stop writing this down.” Said Carl. “Do something. The green giant likes jokes, and you’ve done stand-up comedy haven’t you? Distract him with something so that we can make our escape.” Carl was right. I had done stand-up comedy, and had a number of very funny stories in my repertoire. I knew just the tale to distract this beast.
“Good evening! My name’s Andy Ward!” I began. “So, the other day I had this friend who swallowed a stamp, and I said ‘Hey! You should post your lu-”
“Andy for fuck’s sake, it hasn’t worked twice already, just give it up.” Interrupted Carl. “Have you got anything else funny?”
“No…” I was forced to confess.
“Great? Anybody got any other plans?”
“Well, I’ve got this gun…” Said Jonty. Nobody knew quite where Jonty had acquired a gun, nor why he was carrying it around, but we were all thankful that he had it. And so it was that we shot the green giant and ran away.
“That seemed like a bit of an anti-climax.” Said Alan, “I was expecting some kind of brilliant Hustle-esque idea to get us out of that situation, what happened?”
“I couldn’t think of anything, and it seemed to be dragging on for an overly long time.” I confessed. They all nodded in agreement, it had been dragging on for an overly long time and hadn’t progressed the story at all. We were now roughly 900 words into Part 2 of the tale, and we had achieved practically nothing. At this rate the story would be stretched out to the length of an actual novel. “Anyway, I guess we should get walking.”
We walked South-West (or Shredded-Wheat depending on which version of the compass you’re using) for around 5 hours before we came across a large castle that seemed to be located in the middle of nowhere. It was much like a traditional castle, the kind that might turn up in The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, or something like that, except without a drawbridge. We approached the heavy wooden door and began to bang on it.
“Hello? Is there anybody in there?” Shouted Jonty. There was no reply. He banged again. “Hello? Is it me you’re looking for?” He tried, hoping that perhaps they were aware of the music of Lionel Richie or else they wouldn’t get this reference at all, even though it probably didn’t make any sense in this context. Again, silence. As we turned to walk away however, the door slowly began to creak open. We stared through. The castle appeared to be empty, the streets deserted and silent. We slowly edged our way inside. “Hello?” ventured Jonty again. Then from nowhere they descended upon us with their bayonets. Before we knew it we were surrounding by very pale, unrecognisable creatures. “PUT YOUR WEAPONS DOWN!” Shouted a voice. Then, from the shadows, a figure emerged. Another of the pale creatures, though this one was dressed far more regally.
“Who are you?” I said.
“I… AM THE KING OF PARSNIPS!” Screamed the figure.
Anyway, that’s the end of Part 2, in which we haven’t really achieved anything. I’ll probably be back for Part 3 tomorrow. Or the next day. At some point anyway.
