That’s right, following on from the critical success (read: panning) of ‘A hat for my gardener’, I’ve already started work on the sequel. I call it ‘A hat for YOUR gardener’. See what I did there? I’m such a visionary. Anyway, this one is set in the future, so is a bit of a departure, but should be good. I’m hoping that eventually people will have sort of ‘his and hers’ towels and bathrobes and stuff, but embroidered with ‘A hat for my/your gardener’ instead. Perhaps with a giant picture of a flat cap on the back and maybe a holographic trowel. I can see this being a real money-spinner. Anyway, a hat for your gardener.

SCENE 1 – A HAT FOR WHO? MY GARDENER? NO, YOUR GARDENER.

EXT. A STREET. NIGHT.

It is dark. It is the future now too, a far cry from the setting of the original ‘A hat for my gardener’, which had a sort of ‘Goodnight Mr Tom’ vibe to it. This is infinitely more futuristic, and the background scenery conveys this. There are quill pens made of tinfoil, a pocket watch that says ‘[ENTER YEAR LATER]‘ and a newspaper made of iron. An urchin enters.

ROBOT URCHIN: Hello guv’nor. Can you spare a penny?

SORT OF CYBORGY MAN: No! begone with you you foul rascals! I need these pennies for my indigestion tablets!

ROBOT URCHIN: Please Sir, I need it for a hat.

SORT OF CYBORGY MAN: A hat you say? A hat for who?

[Cue piano]

ROBOT URCHIN: I NEED IT FOR A HAT FOR YOUR GARDENER! HOW WILL HE BRAVE THE COLD WITHOUT PARTNER! A PARTNER MADE OF CLOTH I SAY! A PARTNER, NOT A MOTH! I NEED A HAT FOR YOUR GARDENNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!

SORT OF CYBORGY MAN: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

END SCENE. CLOSE CURTAINS IN FUTURISTIC MANNER, THUS KEEPING THE AUDIENCE IMMERSED IN THE PIECE. PERHAPS CLOSE THEM SLOWLY WHILE PLAYING TAINTED LOVE. THAT WORKS.

SCENE 2 – HAT FOR YOUR GARDENER, HAT FOR YOUR GARDENER, WHEREFORE ART THOU HAT FOR YOUR GARDENER?

EXT. A GARDEN. DAY.

The gardener is tending to some flowers with some futuristic gardening implements. A teleporting shovel and a time travelling rake for instance. The urchin enters.

ROBOT URCHIN: Gardener, I’ve got some bad news… I’ve not been able to get you your hat…

GARDENER: Robort? (See what I did there? IT’S THE FUTURE PEOPLE, KEEP UP) Robort? Is that you? Come closer so I can see you without my spacetacles. (SPACE SPECTACLES. OH COME ON PEOPLE.)

ROBOT URCHIN: It is me Gardener. The manor owner wouldn’t spare a penny for your hat fund.

GARDENER: It’s ok Robort, it’s ok. I don’t need a hat really…

GARDENER coughs violently

ROBOT URCHIN: But without a hat then your circuits are exposed to the elements, you’ll die out here Gardener! You’ll di- hold on a second, where’s your rake gone?

GARDENER: To the 17th century I believe. You know how rakes can time travel these days. It is the future after all. The future.

ROBOT URCHIN: Yes.

GARDENER: Now I’d better be getting on, I’ve got to plant these moon bulbs so that we can grow a new moon in time for halloween. But don’t you worry Robort, I’m going to be just fine.

GARDENER coughs violently again

END SCENE.

Again, we’ll have to skip a few scenes, as they’re yet to be written, but thankfully the end is, as always, completely intact.

SCENE 513 – THE GARDENER IS NOT FINE.

INT. A HOSPITAL. DAY.

The GARDENER is lying in the bed. He is barely conscious. He appears to be strapped to some kind of hospital machine. We’ll use an iPod for this to imply that technology has really advanced. Which it will have. It’s the future.

ROBOT URCHIN: Gardener! What’s happened!

GARDENER: I’m fine Robort, I’m fine… It’s just… the rain… it short-circuited the fuse for my lungs…

ROBOT URCHIN: Oh gardener! If only you’d had a hat! If only we could have got you a hat!

GARDENER: It wouldn’t have helped Robort… It wouldn’t have helped…

ROBOT URCHIN: But it would! We could have saved your life!

GARDENER: It wouldn’t have helped Robort…

ROBOT URCHIN: It could have!

GARDENER: Robort. It wouldn’t have.

ROBOT URCHIN: You don’t know tha-

GARDENER: I’ve got robot syphilis.

ROBOT URCHIN: Oh… well that kind of came out of the blue.

GARDENER: Well you pushed me into it. I didn’t want to say anything, but you wouldn’t be quiet. This really had nothing to do with the hat.

ROBOT URCHIN: Aren’t we meant to finish on a big musical number about hats?

GARDENER: Oh right, yeah, sorry. Hold on, I’ll just sit down here and die.

ROBOT URCHIN: Oh thanks! Just die and leave it all to me!

GARDENER: Goodbye Robort. Goodbye forever…

[Cue piano]

ROBOT URCHIN: A HAT FOR YOUR… GARDENEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRR.

[Cue chorus of boo/queue for refunds. Close curtains to the theme tune from Robocop]

THE END.

Now I just need to secure the financial backing and we’re go. So, who wants to spend $7 million wisely?