I’ve penned a musical. I’m hoping to put it on in the West End eventually. It’s actually quite moving though, so if you don’t like sad films, then I’d advise you stop reading now, because this could get quite weepy. Anyway, let me know what you think.
SCENE 1 – SETTING THE SCENE. THE FIRST SCENE.
EXT. A STREET. NIGHT.
The scene is dark. It is Victorian England or something else quite old. Not as old as the pyramids or really ancient civilisation, but fairly old. This is conveyed by the background scenery, which is awash with old things. Pocket watches, maybe some oil lamps and a bit of papyrus. This signifies that it is olden times.
A STREET URCHIN ENTERS.
Urchin: Hello guv’nor, penny to scrub your shoes?
Guv’nor: No you urchin! I’ll scrub my shoes myself!
Urchin: But I need the money to buy a hat for my gardener?
Guv’nor: A hat for your gardener you say?
Urchin: A hat for my gardener.
CUE PIANO.
Guv’nor: I CANNOT GIVE YOU MY PENNIES… FOR I MUST TRADE THEM FOR RENNIES… MY STOMACH IT BURNS WITH THE ACID OF INDIGESTION, SO SURELY YOU MUST FORGIVE ME MY INDISCRETION!
Urchin: BUT ALL I WANT IS A HATTTTTT! A HAT FOR MY GARDENERRRRRRRRR!
END SCENE 1. FADE TO BLACK/PULL ACROSS A CURTAIN OR SOMETHING.
SCENE 2 – DAMNATION OF THE DAFFODILS.
REVERSE THE POLARITY OF THE CURTAIN CLOSING. OPEN THEM IN OTHER WORDS.
EXT. A GARDEN. DAY.
It is a garden, but an old garden. There is an old man planting old things like pocket watches, maybe a grandfather clock and a 18th century quill pen. This reminds people that we’re still in olden times, and helps them to keep up with the tricky plot, which will later throw up some unexpected twists and turns. An urchin enters. It might be the same urchin from earlier, depending on whether he’s quit by this point. Otherwise, it’s a different urchin.
Urchin: Good morning guv’nor. I’m an urchin who appeared/did not appear (delete as appropriate) earlier.
Gardener: Is that you Robert? Come here so I can see you without having to put on my glasses. I think I’ve buried them in the soil.
Urchin: Were they old glasses?
Gardener: Yes. It’s olden times you know.
Urchin: Yes.
Gardener: Ah, Robert, it is you! Why not come and help me plant these daffodil eggs?
Urchin: Alright guv’nor, let’s plant them together.
CUE PIANO.
ALL SING: WE ARE PLANTING DAFFODIL EGGS! DAFFODIL EGGS! DAFFODIL EGGS! WE ARE PLANTING DAFFODIL EGGS! ALLL DAY LOONNNNNGGGG!
GARDENER begins to cough quite violently. Cue slightly more solemn piano
Urchin: What is it Guv’nor? Did you eat some soil?
Gardener: It’s not that… [coughs violently] It’s just my head is so exposed to the elements that it’s letting all the viruses in like a bald fleshy sieve.
Urchin: I tried to get you a hat. I tried, and I’ll keep trying, but it’s not easy.
Gardener: It’s ok Robert, I know you’re trying your best. It’s just some parts of society don’t want gardeners to wear hats.
Urchin: I know, it’s olden days. Things are like that in olden days.
Gardener: Now come on, I’ll be fine… for now. What say we go and draw some hieroglyphics on the shed?
Urchin: Anything you say guv’nor. Hieroglyphics is the main pastime in the year [ENTER LATER].
Gardener: You’re a good lad Robert. A good lad…
CUE SPOTLIGHT ON URCHIN. EXIT STAGE LEFT GARDENER.
Urchin: Where will I find a hat for my gardeneerrrrrr?
CLOSE CURTAINS AGAIN. END SCENE 2. PAUSE FOR APPLAUSE. IN THE EVENT OF NO APPLAUSE, KEEP CLOSING AND OPENING CURTAINS UNTIL AUDIENCE DO APPLAUD. THEN CONTINUE PLAY.
I haven’t actually written the middle few scenes yet, though I’ve got some idea how they’ll pan out, but right now we’ll skip to the end. This bit is a real tear-jerker, even more so than the touching scenes you’ve already seen, and they had me welling up, so I’d really advise you have a box of tissues at the ready.
SCENE 89 – MY KINGDOM FOR A HAT FOR MY GARDENER.
INT. A HOSPITAL. DAY.
The gardener is lying in a hospital bed. He is barely conscious. At his side is the street urchin. He is crying. Other than that, the room is filled with various items from the era. Chariots, a crossbow and the Turin Shroud.
Urchin: But you can’t die gardener… I’ve got you a hat. It’s here. I’ve got you a hat… don’t die now.
Gardener: I’ve got to die Robert. It’s too late, the doctors say that my lungs have already started to fall out the top of my head and there’s no device that can stop that not. Not even a piece of patchwork cloth…
Urchin: They’re wrong gardener! They’re wrong! I don’t care what they say, you’re coming home with me!
Gardener coughs violently
Gardener: I want you to have this Robert… I want you to take this hat so that you never have to suffer the same thing I did…
They are both crying at this point. As are most of the audience. If they audience are not crying at this point, hit them with alternate script B, otherwise, skip straight past that.
SCRIPT B
Urchin: You never even told me your name guv’nor…
Gardener: You can call me dad… son. I’m sorry I forgot your birthday, I was too busy raking some leaves. I suppose now I’m going to be raking leaves in a better place. Rake heaven.
END SCRIPT B. RETURN TO REGULAR SCRIPT.
Urchin: I can’t take this hat. This is your hat. A hat for my gardener…
Gardener: No, don’t be a fool Robert! I want you to staple this to your forehead and never unstaple it with a compass or some scissors or something like that. Do it for me Robert… for me.
Urchin: Ok… guv’nor.
Urchin staples the hat to his forehead. If the actor playing urchin screams, try and cover this with a bit of jaunty piano music.
ENTER DOCTOR.
Doctor: Ok gardener, it’s time to go now.
Urchin: What? What are you doing?
Doctor: I’m injecting him with some latin verbs.
Gardener: Just like old times Robert, just like old times…
The gardener dies.
CUE PIANO.
Urchin: A hat for my…
Urchin falls to his knees.
Urchin: … Gardeneeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr [hold for duration of standing ovation/if standing ovation is not forthcoming, hold until last audience member has filed out of the building muttering under their breath]
CLOSE CURTAINS/COLLECT FLOWERS THROWN ONTO STAGE/OPEN CURTAINS AGAIN/CLOSE CURTAINS AGAIN/OPEN CURTAINS AGAIN/CLOSE CURTAINS AGAIN/OPEN CURTAINS AGAIN/CLOSE CURTAINS AGAIN/FIX MALFUNCTIONING CURTAINS.
THE END.
Sometimes I astonish myself.
