Andy Ward talks to himself.

YOU DOMAIN!

New domain name. No improvement in quality.

I’m not sure what to say now. I sort of think that this should be the glorious moment when I smash the champagne bottle against the side of this metaphorical ship, however I’ve not really got anything interesting to say, so this probably won’t be so much a spectacular champagne launch of a flagship luxury cruiseliner as it will be roughly equivalent to a tramp throwing an empty can of Fosters at a sinking pedalo.

Maybe we should start off with a firework display. IN ASCII!

* * ~o~

Actually, scrap that. Not that I’ve got any better ideas. I could try and get a game of Wink Murder going, though it would probably just consist of me sitting here winking at my monitor. And I’d feel pretty guilty if anybody actually did die when they read this then. Unless it was a happy affair. Unless there’s just some old person who just stumbled upon this site thinking “Well, I’ve achieved everything I ever wanted to with my life, apart from one thing… I haven’t played imaginary wink murder in my head with a berk on the internet.” Now you can die happy. The rest of you, stay here and be depressed with me as we try and think of a brilliant way to launch this new era of the same website but under a slightly different name. Nobody leaves. Unless you already have, in which case, well done for staying so long. Even I got bored and wandered off earlier.

I haven’t actually mentioned what I’m ‘celebrating’ here. I bought a domain earlier, for the very reasonable fee of £9.25 for a year. Now my blog can be found at http://andy-ward.com instead of the 40 letter or so address it used to be. Many people would question why I’ve done this, to which I would reply that it just looks tidier in the address bar. And that’s worth £9.25 in my opinion.

That’s basically all I’ve done today, and I’ve now mentioned it. I think that’s as good a launch as we’re going to get. I’m very tired. I’ll probably end here as I might go and watch Countdown for a while. I’m dreadful at the words (which, unfortunately for me, make up 90% of the show), however I’m surprisingly good at the numbers round. I’m not sure how I work numbers, as I have no idea how I’m doing most maths, but I’m quite good at it. I have literally no idea how to do multiplication and division on paper. I’m sure there’s a method behind it, but I couldn’t tell you what it was. I could try and explain my methodology, but it probably wouldn’t make much sense. All I know is that I’m good with numbers somehow. I’m Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind, that’s me.

“This One Stop employee, he’s got a gift…”

“Who? Andy? Don’t make me laugh!”

“No, seriously, I was watching him watching Countdown earlier, and even though he was bafflingly inept with the words, he seemed to be reasonably good at the numbers round.”

“Reasonably good you say?”

“He gets the answer maybe three times out of four.”

“My god…”

[Cue rousing inspirational music as the camera slowly pans in on me proudly shouting a five-letter word at the TV. Probably 'Broom' or something equally rubbish/cut to titles]

“Andy, do you know why we’ve summoned you here today?”

“Broom.”

“It’s because you’re in the top 80% of the country for the numbers round on Countdown. Andy… you have a beautiful mind.”

“Hold on, I didn’t see the S. Brooms. Six.”

“A beautiful mind…”

[Cue more rousing inspirational orchestral music]

I’d better end this now or I’ll probably miss the numbers round at the end and the traditional ’shout a word that doesn’t actually exist at the conundrum’. Bye.