Andy Ward talks to himself.

Last night I received emails from Guardian Jobs informing me that they’d been hacked by a hacker (who else?) and that they’d managed to acquire details that I’d used to apply for jobs through there, probably my address, email address, telephone numbers, probably my CV too. Many people would be concerned by this, I’ve remained remarkably calm in the knowledge that this is a crime essentially comparable to robbing Stig of the Dump. I’m actually quite excited about it. If somebody has stolen my identity, then in my idiotic head this means that technically I know longer exist. I am now Jason Bourne. Admittedly, a Jason Bourne who’s potentially looking at strangers running up an obscene amount of credit card debt in his name, rather than having $5 million stored safely away in a Swiss bank account, but still a Jason Bourne of sorts. Or the Jackal. He was also a man without an identity. Actually, that’s probably not true, I think the Jackal’s problem, and indeed, Jason Bourne’s problem, was that they actually had loads of identities. Too many if anything. That’s probably what’s happened here, I’ve had my identity stolen my some kind of trained assassin and they’ll use it to commit heinous crimes in my name and gallavant about the world with my passport. Admittedly, they’ll find it somewhat tricky to get into my character, and it’s a fairly niche identity to use.

“Bourne, we need you to play a One Stop employee who writes about cakes in his spare time.”

“What? Why?”

“Don’t question my methods Bourne. Can you do it?”

“Well, it’s funny you should ask, because it just so happens that I have the perfect alias…”

I actually did baffle a company with an alias of my own once. I used the name ‘Andrew Ward’ instead of ‘Andy Ward’, and they thought I was an entirely different person. I mean, as far as brilliant alter-egos go, it’s not exactly going to go entirely under the radar of Interpol, but for a moment I considered myself some kind of master criminal, expertly able to slip into different personalities at the drop of a hat. I say different personalities, it was me, just with a slightly more formal name.

Anyway, now one of two things can happen.

1. I can pay an organisation £13 a year to make sure that my details aren’t used for credit-based bad things. Which is at least 4 times what my identity is actually worth.

2. I can give the thieves a day’s head start and then track them across the globe for sport, culminating in an epic battle with my evil alter-ego on a volcano.

I think we all know which one I’m going to choose.