It goes some way to explaining how exciting my life is when I spent the last week or so building up to having a brie sandwich. This wasn’t any brie sandwich though, it also featured bacon, in what was, unfortunately, little more than a cameo appearance. Allow me to explain. Around a week ago, I visited a sandwich shop, where I ordered myself a tasty sausage sandwich. Whilst there however, I noticed that the person in front of me in the queue was ordering a brie and bacon sandwich, which smelled surprisingly good. I vowed to myself there and then that one day, I would try one of these tasty delights. As such, it wasn’t exactly a lifetime’s pursuit of attempting to fuse bacon and brie in a laboratory, I simply turned up at the sandwich shop a week later (i.e. yesterday) and ordered one. There was no series of tests I had to pass, the price was right, and they served me my sandwich. For a second I was content, knowing that I had achieved one of the simplest goals I’ve ever set myself (the rest of them, unfortunately, go unachieved). “Oh brie! Finally we are together!” I chuckled to myself. In my head, obviously, a man standing in a sandwich shop menacingly laughing at cheese doesn’t tend to go down well, not even in Saw 7.
“Welcome to my games!”
“Where the hell am I?”
“It’s a sandwich shop Mr Baffins. Do you not recognise it?”
“Who are you? What do you want from me?”
“I want you to laugh at some cheese Mr Baffins. Is it not obvious?”
“You really are running out of ideas aren’t you?”
“… Yes. NOW LAUGH AT THE CHEESE MR BAFFINS! LAUGH AT THE CHEESE!”
“I can’t! You’ve glued my teeth together with Pritt Stick!”
“LAUGH AT THE CHEESE MR BAFFINS! LAUGH AT IT! WHITE SPIRIT YOUR GUMS MR BAFFINS AND LAUGH AT THE CHEESE!”
A sneak preview from Saw 7 there apparently, which I’ve recently been asked to write. It’s going to be somewhat of a diversion from the last few films, which, incidentally, I’ve never seen, but I can see it being a box-office smash. Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, I was laughing at the cheese. Little did I know that soon I would… not be laughing at the cheese.
I think the problem was that the brie/bacon ratio was completely all over the place. The contents of the bread was 90% brie, and 10% bacon. Worse than this though was that I was to quickly discover that I wasn’t a particularly big fan of brie. It’s not the best cheese. Making up 90% of the sandwich, this was a problem. I ploughed on though, until the point at which I stopped ploughing on and just threw it in the bin. Later on though, I found myself in a lot of pain, akin to the kind of pain I experienced once before at university that made it agony to move. I am not sure what caused this, but I suspect that brie might be my Kryptonite. Worse than this, having eaten all this cheese during the day, I had nightmares when I went to sleep. Admittedly, they weren’t particularly hideous. I went to a waffle shop but it was closed. Even then the man kindly agreed to serve me my waffles, and I got them to take out, in a big bag. I’m not sure what else was in the big bag, all I know was that I was to walk to Pizza Express after that, but I never made it there, as I wandered off somewhere else.
This really has been an exceptionally boring blog. I’ve bored myself with it. There was never really even a point to it, I just thought I should write something down as I haven’t written in ages and I need to get back into the swing of writing. I’m still going to post this though, to remind myself of how phenomenally boring I’m capable of being, and act as a reminder never to tell the brie story in public because a) It doesn’t go anywhere b) nobody wants to hear it, and c) rhymes with brie.
Bye.
