My Spotify isn’t working. It is thus Notify. Do you see what I did there? Because it’s not working. Notify. Typically it would be Spotify, but in this instance it’s not working. Not being a key word. Notify. Spotify becomes Notify. Do you see? I’m going to make a note of this. I’ll remember to bring it up at the start of my next stand-up gig.

“What’s the deal with Spotify not working? Sometimes I like to call it… Notify! Do you get it? Eh? Eh? Well, that joke certainly didn’t go down as well as I’d hoped. Is it hot in here? Hotify? Hotify anybody? Is this mic on?”

Actually it’s just started working, so I wouldn’t be able to sell that with any conviction. That’s the main reason that it wouldn’t be funny, people wouldn’t believe that my Spotify wasn’t really working.

I’m really tired at the moment. I did have a biscuit earlier, but that didn’t wake me up at all. Nor did the marmalade cake. None of the usual methods. I tried to apply for a job, but I got bored halfway through and found myself here. Later on I might make myself a mug of Horlicks and put on my Splinter dressing gown, a plan that would be entirely without flaw, were I to actually have any Horlicks. I’m not sure just sitting around in my dressing gown would have quite the same effect. “Well this doesn’t appear to be waking me up at all. Perhaps I should start injecting the cotton directly into my veins. That should help.” Eventually I’ll just become some fat addict expanded due to too much jumper consumption (conjumption). I’ll just hang around outside Fruit of the Loom asking for a hit of somebody’s corduroys. It’s not 100% cotton, so it’s not the good stuff, but it’ll do. One day they’ll catch me sailing into a frigate into harbour with an abnormally large shipment of tank tops, and I’ll weep as I watch them sink my ship from a distance. You navy rascals.

What have I done recently? Nothing much. I’ve not even done any writing as I’ve been wasting my time applying for jobs at companies who aren’t even polite enough to let me know I’ve been unsuccessful. I’m going to go to the gym shortly though and work on something I’ve had planned for ages when I get back. Probably whilst sat in my dressing gown. I never did send off my first sitcom script by the way, it’s still shelved as I’m still not convinced it’s perfect. I’m not sure I’ll ever get round to sending it out as I’m obsessed with it being perfect. The second sitcom is still in an early stage too, as in about 700 words written, but that could be good. Hopefully. I haven’t done any stand-up for ages either. About 3 months now. I’ve got some gigs booked though, so soon I’ll be back on that stage being greeted by apathetic silence. Ah, the fun of it.

I’m fairly sure I’ve said Notify before. Maybe I have, maybe I haven’t. Either way it’s equally funny*.

I’m going to go and lick my socks now. Maybe snort some mittens. Bye.

*I.e. Not at all.