I think I’ve been poisoned by my closest ally, food. In about the last two days, I’ve lost around half a stone in weight. It’s not good. The worst part is, it’s rendered me unable to eat much apart from bread, which isn’t particularly filling, and it certainly isn’t as tasty as a bag of Monster Munch, which I purchased the other day whilst feeling ill thinking ‘Well, perhaps I’ll be better later and be able to eat these’. IT’S BEEN THREE DAYS! THREE DAYS OF BEING TAUNTED BY MY MONSTER MUNCH! I BROUGHT YOU INTO THE HOUSE MONSTER MUNCH, WHY MUST YOU TREAT ME SO SICKENINGLY!

I think I’d quite like some fish fingers, though at present, I can’t work out whether this is just because I’d actually like to eat fish fingers, or whether I’d just like to see them formed into a pyramid like Captain Birdseye did. Ideally, I’d like the ones coated in breadcrumbs, rather than the ones covered in batter. They were just one big mistake, and I think me and Birdseye both knew it. I remember meeting him once at a cocktail party when we discussed this.

Me: Ah, Captain! It’s a pleasure to meet you, and what a lovely ship you have here!

Captain: Thankye! And thankye for coming! I understand you’re a very busy man.

Me: *Splutter* What? Are you joking? I work part-time at One Stop, I’m happy to be outside.

Captain: You work at One Stop? Why that certainly doesn’t sound like the Andy Ward I meant to invite…

Me: Oh, ha, I mean, I’m just joking! One Stop! Ha! Get it! One Stop! I don’t actually work there, I’m a… diamond farmer?

Captain: Ahahaha! I see me hearty! A good joke ye played there!

Me: Yes, a good joke… *Sigh*

Captain: So, have ye tried one of me new fish fingers? I covered them in batter instead of breadcrumbs!

Me: [Shuffling nervously] Yeah, well, about the fish fingers…

Captain: Go on…

Me: I’m not entirely convinced that the batter works.

Captain: …

Me: Certainly not as well as the breadcrumbs… I mean, they’re good. Mmm breadcrumbs etc, but batter?

Captain: But it works on other fish!

Me: Well, yeah, but there’s something about batter on fish fingers that just seems… different…

Captain: Well, if ye think there’s a problem, ye should take it up with my cook!

Me: Your cook? You mean the 50 children who I saw crying in the kitchen? How did they even get on this boat?

Captain: Don’t question my methods ye landlubber! They wanted fish fingers and they got fish fingers!

Me: Did you just call me a landlubber? What is this? Muppet Treasure Island?

Captain: Why I hadn’t noticed it before, but I do seem to have become an overly stereotypical pirate in the last few sentences, are there any cliches I haven’t used yet?

Me: You haven’t mentioned walking the plank yet.

Captain: We don’t have a plank.

Me: What do you have?

Captain: Some fish fingers in batter.

Me: Oh right, yeah, well that kind of takes the scary edge off slightly, ‘Walk the battered fish finger’. If anything it sounds more like a 1950s dance.

Captain: So I’ve used every cliche going so far?

Me: Not yet, but we’ll keep talking and see where this goes. Where are we going anyway? We’ve been sailing for days.

Captain: We’re going to an island, a deserted island where a new adventure awaits, a fantastic nautical adventure. Isn’t that right children?

Child: I just want to go home!

Captain: Hey! You weren’t saying that when there was a pyramid of fish fingers! All of a sudden scurvy sets in and suddenly it’s “not fun” anymore! Well let that be a lesson to ye! And you, what are you doing?

Me: Sorry, I was just crossing off ‘scurvy’ on my ‘nautical-based bingo’ card. What kind of adventure do you have planned then?

Captain: Do ye really want to know?

Me: Sort of…

Captain: Prepare yeself, you salty sea dog!

Me: Ok, let me just cross that one off too… right! Fire away!

Captain: We’re going to batter a puffin!

Me: … What?

Captain: I said we’re going to batter a puffin!

Me: And when you say batter a puffin you mean… ?

Captain: I mean we’re going to batter a puffin!

Me: In the sense of beating one up, or covering one in batter? Actually, don’t answer that, I’m not really sure there is any correct answer…

Captain: I’ve drawn up these blueprints! Now, here’s the puffin…

Me: That’s the puffin? It looks suspiciously like Barry Norman to me.

Captain: I couldn’t draw a puffin, so I just cut a random picture out of the Radio Times.

Me: So we’re hunting for a puffin that looks like Barry Norman?

Captain: No. The puffin represents Barry Norman.

Me: We’re hunting for Barry Norman’s agent?

Captain: Ha! Oh, you!

Me: Thanks, I thought my witty wordplay was quite clever. Anyway, let’s both wipe the tears of hilarity off our faces and continue this conversation. What do you want a puffin for?

Captain: [Staring wistfully into the distance] Because it’s the only animal I don’t yet have in my range…

Me: What about a jaguar?

Captain: … Ok, turn the boat around.

Me: Do you mind if I leave now?

Captain: Fine. But before you go, are you sure you don’t like the battered fish fingers?

Me: They were poor.

Captain: And what’s your opinion on the Cornetto McFlurry?

Me: I still hate it.

Captain: Ok, just checking.

Bye.